Karma Blog Q and A 8

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"I want to get over my husband's extra-marital affair...please guide me."

I am a stringent believer of Karma. With my husband I was completely devoted and he cheated on me, I still don't understand why. I say I have forgiven him but to be candid I haven't and then I sulk and torture myself. Is this all Karma?

I don't want to sulk neither do I at times want to make him feel miserable--just that he realises what he has done was wrong. I give him stories about my friends extra-marital relationship and the impact... I want to get over this I really really don't want to get into the same situation again and neither do I want my husband to repeat what has happened.

Please guide me through this. Thanks and regards. --Deeply Hurt, Gurgaon.

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Dear Deeply,

Thank you for your KQ submission; I understand your being deeply hurt and troubled in your relationship with your husband. When we experience some unpleasant situations in life such as you have, it is natural to feel as you are feeling.

Choices create karma
The answer to your questions is in the understanding of karma. We can analyze why people do things and get the reasoning behind the actions, but ultimately it is the choice one makes that activates a particular event or situation.

There may be a number of reasons why your husband had an affair. I am encouraged when you say that you do not want your husband to repeat this in future. To work towards this goal, you need to find out what led him to have an affair. See if there has been a change in your dealings with him since you first met or got married.

For example, if you were first appreciative of your husband, and then gradually over time you have tried to 'improve' him or correct him, did he looked elsewhere for appreciation? There may be other reasons also.

The most helpful thing would be to rebuild your relationship with your husband without blaming either him or yourself. You may find it useful to get joint counseling to help you both over this difficult issue.

Forgiving others is in our benefit
You say you have not been able to forgive your husband. Not being able to forgive will keep the you and the situation stuck in the area of anger, depression, sadness, and continue a breakdown of the relationship.

Forgiveness means that you have given up blaming or holding your husband (or yourself) responsible. Forgiveness means you are looking to move forward.

Not holding your husband responsible does not mean that what your husband did was alright. It means that the reason for your husband doing what he did, was his choice-based response to a situation he was in. It was not primarily aimed at causing you pain.

It is about the other, not you
It was mostly about him and not about you.

By making it about yourself you create a situation that only you can control--no matter what your husband does, it becomes all about your hurt and your anger.

Keep the blame, keep the pain
So, as long as blame is there, things will not change. Lack of forgiveness will keep you and your husband miserable.

So it is in your best self-interest to forgive, give up blaming, to be able to move on in life without the pain.

If you keep the blame you keep the pain.

With love, light and blessings,

Nalin K. Nirula

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